SQL Community: *Welcome* transgender folks!

People in the SQL Server community tend to be inclusive, progressive, welcoming people. But it’s a tendency that we need to work on, especially when it comes to transgender folks.

It’s not enough to tolerate, it’s not enough to accept…we must actively include and welcome trans people.

We in the SQL community – and in the wider world generally – are on a spectrum of understanding when it comes to transgender men and women. For now, we’ll divide that spectrum-of-understanding up into categories 

Read through, or find your category and start there:  

 

I am transgender 

Welcome, friendo! Come say hi if we’re at an event together. I can probably steer you to some of the better sessions to see, and maybe even some of the better food in town. 

 

I’m a transgender ally 

Excellent, same. We should be doing more, though. I should have written this blog post years ago, for one thing, back when I moved from “I don’t understand” to “I know some folks”. 

Follow transgender folks online, and boost their voicesWrite your own post. Post messages of inclusion and education on your social media. Add your pronouns to your bio…it shows support. 

Be vocal about how you welcome transgender folk to your events. If you see a person you know to be transgender at an event, go introduce yourself and don’t bring up the transgender issue.  (Nobody wants to talk about personal stuff with strangers, friend.) 

People like to be seen, and to be welcome and included. So welcome and include people!  

In fact, read this and this to educate yourself and get reminders good allyship. 

And here’s the big one: call out transphobic behavior and words around you. Defend trans people under attack. Be an active ally. This can be difficult, not just because it takes some courage, but because as cisgendered people, we have to learn what’s transphobic and what’s rude and hurtful. A few examples:  

  • [something something bathroom laws] – This is a great conversation to shut down. Can we just let people pee, and mind our own business? 
  • [someone misgenders a person more than once] – Consider something like, “His pronouns are he/him. Mine are she/her. This isn’t that hard, dude.” 
  • [a person is sitting by themselves at a conference or social event] – “Hi, my name’s [your name]. Mind if I sit here?”  In other words, be inviting and inclusive. I learned to do it, and so can you. 

 

I know some transgender people, not a big deal 

Okay, I’m glad you think it’s not a big deal. Unfortunately, it’s a huge struggle for trans people. It’s important that you work to understand where they are and what they face. 

A lot of things that we cis people take for granted are a huge, huge deal. I can’t adequately explain this here…it’s better if you do some reading, seek out some information, and follow the advice in the “I’m a transgender ally” section above.  

But just for a small sampling, imagine this: take the most rage-inducing, infuriating thing in IT – for me it’s having to struggle with wifi, logins, VPN, and RDP again and again while I’m just trying to frigging log in and fix an alert for a client (my blood pressure increases just thinking about it).  

In any case, take that feeling, and then imagine encountering it every other time you interact with someone in public, because you’ve been misgendered or asked a horrifically personal question about your genitals by an absolute stranger. Or when you go to use the bathroom, because someone is going to make a big deal out of which one you go to, and you just have to freaking pee and like any other adult human you don’t want any kind of pushback on that particular issue. 

I’m just saying, life isn’t set up to make anything comfortable or easy for trans folks. 

 

I don’t understand 

Read up. I encourage you to read this entire blog, and then go follow transgender people online, read articles on www.Glaad.org and the like. 

Follow basic courtesy: call a person by the name they want you to use – I like “Jen” instead of “Jennifer”, myself. It’d be rude to call me something other than Jen, now wouldn’t it?   

Same with pronouns. I’ve been misgendered before, usually on the phone or at a drive-through speaker. I say, “it’s ma’am, not sir”, and the other person says, “oh sorry ma’am”, and then we move on. That’s how it should be if you accidentally misgender a trans person: a short, sincere apology, and move on. (Long apologies or dwelling on the issue can be upsetting.) 

 

I don’t approve 

Keep it to yourself, 100%, in public and private.  

Don’t be a jerk. These are really bare bones basics, here, and if you can ever, under any circumstances, be base-level polite to people you don’t like, then you can do that here. 

Consider reading the sections above and below this one, too. You can do better than basic human decency. 

And: keep your disapproval to yourself. 

 

That’s disgusting 

Get therapy. Read books. Ask a friend who doesn’t think other human beings are “disgusting” to explain it to you. And get more therapy to work through why you feel like this. It’s not normal to feel that way. 

 

A final message from me, Jen (she/her)

Bigotry against trans folks is a complete nonstarter with me. In a conflict between a trans person and a person who is being bigoted, I’ve got the trans folks’ backs. 

 

Related articles:

What to Pack for PASS Summit

In checklist form!

Absolute I-probably-won’t-survive-without-this ESSENTIALS

  • Wallet
  • Prescriptions
  • Glasses/contacts
  • Phone and cord
  • Laptop and cord (okay, maybe this is just me)
  • A jacket (after all, Seattle)

Generally A GOOD IDEA to have on any trip

  • 2-6 changes of clothes
  • Comfortable walking shoes
  • Toiletries (though, you can buy those when you arrive, if you want to)
  • Headphones or earbuds
  • Business cards (seriously)

Bonus REALLY GOOD IDEAS

For your health / comfort:

  • A water bottle, seriously
  • Hand sanitizer, tissues
  • Vitamins
  • A shopping bag (Seattle charges for one-use shopping bags)
  • A hat

For your conference experience:

  • A power strip (a great way to make friends!)
  • Something for headaches
  • A kilt (optional – this is a thing we do, is Kilt Day the day that the Women in Tech luncheon is held)

If you’re a presenter:

  • Adapters
  • More business cards
  • An on-brand shirt or jacket
  • Throat lozenges / packets of your favorite tea

The DBA Lifecycle

I was talking to a DBA recently – we’ll call her Susan – who has maybe five years in the industry. Susan was worried because she’d recently made some mistakes that she felt too “experienced” for.

“I should be past this by now!” she told me.

Well, no. Not necessarily.

Growing up in the Data family

You’ve heard the term “baby DBA” and “senior DBA” before, right? Obviously, we’d all see a baby DBA as a brand-new DBA – maybe one who hasn’t even gotten her first tech job yet, or someone who’s only been the “accidental DBA” for a few months.

We can debate about what constitute a senior DBA. Does she need to have 10 years to be a senior? Or, all of a Microsoft SQL Server cert track completed? In any case, a senior should Know Important Things and be reasonably confident.

Not quite senior yet

But what about midlevel DBAs? I might start calling them data teenagers, because midlevel DBAs – like midlevel DBAs:

  • Are clearly not babies any more.
  • Know plenty of things, but are still learning a lot.
  • May not be quite sure what they want to do in the long term.
  • Often don’t feel like they know what they’re doing, but try very hard to seem competent.
  • Are not remotely past making “simple” mistakes.

To be clear, senior DBAs (like grown-up persons) aren’t past making simple mistakes either; we just make them less often than when we were in our “teens”. Hopefully.

You’ll get there

Disasters happen. Mistakes happen. We overlook things, or don’t see something coming. A good DBA does her best, and learns from mistakes and oversights. (A bad DBA doesn’t, which is why “10 years of experience” does not automatically mean “senior DBA”.)

So give yourself a break, buckaroo. You’ve just got some more growing up to do.