The WIT panel spoke on an excellent topic today: needing, and finding, allies at work.
Afterward and for the first time ever, I stood and spoke publicly about something in IT that traumatized me. Here is what I said.
The panel makes an excellent point about watching out for opportunities to be an ally, e.g., to someone who is being discriminated against or silenced.
I want to point out that what this looks like in the real world isn’t always clear.
Story Time
Years ago in a technical space, I made a rather big faux pas. Some folks very senior in that space went out of their way to call out that faux pas publicly — but not to me directly. And there ensued an extended dogpile, which went on after I’d apologized.
I had one-on-one talks with the folks who seemed the most upset, and in many cases we came to a good understanding.
But during and after the whole kerfuffle, NO ONE stood up for me. NO one ever apologized for piling on.
The faux pas was deeply embarrassing. There were professional consequences.
But it was that mass attack against one person standing alone…that was genuinely traumatic for me, for years.
It’s not always obvious when a situation calls for an ally.
HOW do we better recognize, in the moment, that “Oh, this absolutely isn’t okay”?
The panel answered and were very supportive. But in asking the question, I found my own answer.
What would have helped me in that situation? When those people were piling on, what would have made a positive impact and lessened my trauma?
If one single person had said, publicly, “Guys. Let’s slow down a minute. This is a lot.”
What’s the moral?
That’s it…that’s the moral. Sometimes all you have to do is say, out loud, “Hold up, let’s calm down.”
Being an ally can meant a lot of things, of course. But first, you have to see the disaster in progress.
Postscript
I came into the DBA space because of my mentor and partner, Sean. That’s been wonderful.
Until I asked the panel the question today, though, it had never occurred to me before:
I wouldn’t still be in SQL Server at all if I didn’t have that one ally – Sean – by my side while the dogpile was going on. I would be one of the MANY women who left tech because of that absolutely horrid experience.
Photo by Nicolas Cool on Unsplash
I was in that talk, I heard your question, more importantly, I *felt* your question. I have been in the tech world for almost 30 years now, only 5 as a DBA. But so many women in technology suffer many of those same battles. Thank you for standing up!
I’m so sorry you went through this, Jen. Like you, I wouldn’t be in the database space today if it weren’t for my first mentor and ally, my husband, Tim.
When bully situations or biased treatment occurred, he was my steadfast ally who could more easily navigate, defend and sometimes, demand fairer treatment so I thrived.
Kellyn
I am so sorry to hear that no one stood up, even if just to say, “slow down.”
That said, the SQL Space is better for you and all the women I know in it.
Thanks to you, and Sean, and those who stood up for anyone.