One generous Professional Underground for SQL Server 2011 presenter was kind enough to allow publication of their very interesting and useful script, so here it is.  Thanks, Mister Anonymous!!

Warning: Don’t be an idiot; this CLEARLY isn’t meant for production use.

Warning 2: Remember your NDA, PUSSies…we don’t discuss what was done, or who did what, OR ELSE YOU WILL SUFFER SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES. And then we can’t do it again.

-- Code sample and test cases:
USE OhNoYouDidnt
GO
CREATE TRIGGER talkToTheHand ON DATABASE
    FOR CREATE_FUNCTION
AS
    /*
   No-arguments, problem solving trigger for scalar UDF's
   Don't try this at home, we're what you call "Experts"
   PUSS 2011
   Mister Anonymous
*/
    DECLARE @DidICatchYouFucker BIT ;
    SET @DidICatchYouFucker = 0 ;
    DECLARE @TextOfYourEffinFunction NVARCHAR(MAX) ;
    SELECT  @TextOfYourEffinFunction = EVENTDATA().value('(/EVENT_INSTANCE/TSQLCommand/CommandText)[1]',
                                                         'nvarchar(max)') ;
    IF @TextOfYourEffinFunction NOT LIKE '%RETURNS TABLE%'
        SET @DidICatchYouFucker = 1 ;
    IF @DidICatchYouFucker = 1
        BEGIN
            DECLARE @theFixForThis NVARCHAR(MAX) ;
            SET @theFixForThis = 'DROP FUNCTION /* take this, dickhead */ '
                + QUOTENAME(EVENTDATA().value('(/EVENT_INSTANCE/SchemaName)[1]',
                                              'varchar(25)')) + '.'
                + QUOTENAME(EVENTDATA().value('(/EVENT_INSTANCE/ObjectName)[1]',
                                              'varchar(256)')) ;
            EXEC ( @theFixForThis ) ;
        END ;
GO
CREATE FUNCTION dbo.myFunction ( @someParameter INT )
RETURNS INT
AS
    BEGIN
        /* Hurray For Reusable Code! I'm so Smart I can't Stand Myself */
        RETURN 3 ;
    END ;
GO
CREATE FUNCTION dbo.myFunction2 ( @someParameter INT )
RETURNS TABLE
AS
        /* Inline TVF FTW! */
        RETURN
    ( SELECT    3 AS value
    ) ;
GO
/*
DROP FUNCTION dbo.myFunction
DROP FUNCTION dbo.myFunction2
GO
DISABLE TRIGGER [talkToTheHand] ON DATABASE ;
DROP TRIGGER [talkToTheHand] ON DATABASE ;
GO
*/

P.S. The really great thing? Red-gate’s SQL Prompt formatted this without complaint. It’s solid SQL code.